Ok, so I have a script for what I want to be my final project at the ICA. People, I NEED FEED BACK! So be honest, I appreciate everything, and don't be embarrassed to voice concerns or disagree with me, or suggest edits. I will say now that I'm always concerned it could be preachy. Anyways, let me know, thanks and happy readings!
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Gerry and Scott are standing near the track waiting for the train. Gerry is average looking, relatively handsome yet just a little laid back. He has a softer demeanor when compared to Scott.
Scott: So Julie was like, "You're a pig", and I was like "If I'm such a pig then why'd you just hook up with me?”. Totally shut her up.
Gerry: Wow...
Scott: She's so easy! You should definitely go after her.
Gerry: No... I don't think so
Scott: C'mon dude, it's high school, no one cares about this stuff.
Gerry: I care
Scott: Whatever dude, when she cools off, I'm goin' back for seconds
Train approaches
Is this you?
Gerry: yeah
Scott: Alright dude, I'll see you later.
Gerry: OK man, peace
Gerry gets on the train and sits down behind two girls. He puts his head against the window and briefly looks over at a couple eagerly making out in the seat across from him. As he turns back he begins to overhear the conversation of two girls in front of him.
Melanie: Guys! I don't know... it's not like on TV! I want a guy to be spontaneous, you know?
Lauren: You know they're not like that
Melanie: Laughing I feel so cheated! I want, like, a handsome guy to grab me and say, Mockingly "Come with me!" I want the beautiful, strong man who's not being constantly followed around by a pack his idiot friends. I want, I don't know, less confusion.
Lauren: That's not a real person!
Melanie: I guess, but you see that stuff on reality TV too, right? It has to happen to someone.
Lauren: It’s never happened to anyone I know.
Melanie: Oh! This is my stop, love-ya, bye!
Melanie stands up and walks by Gerry on her way out. He catches a glimpse of her as she passes by. She is pretty with a slightly alternative flair, you know, not an abercrombie model. Gerry pauses, has a slightly frustrated look on his face, and then quickly jumps up and runs out the door. He exits the train and spots her walking away from the stop. Walking briskly he starts to catch up.
Gerry: Hey! Hey! Hold up!
Melanie: Turning around a little surprised
uhh, hi?
Gerry: Hi
Smiling and pausing awkwardly, clearly having not thought this through
Melanie: hi....
Gerry: Uhh, I'm sorry, I don't usually do this. But, umm, I overheard you on the train, and I think I could be the guy for you. I don't ever do this.
Melanie: Uhh...
Gerry: OK, so I'm spontaneous right? Oh, I'm Gerry, by the way,
Melanie: Unconvinced
Hi
Gerry: So...spontaneous right? I'm in good shape- I can bench like 110. People say I'm pretty good looking, I'm a sensitive guy, I've been told I'm pretty funny. Umm.. my friends are pretty cool- not losers, you know? I care about social issues- I think Darfur is terrible. Terrible.... Umm, I don't know, I don't do drugs, but I'm open minded, right- if you... do drugs...? right-
Melanie: I'm sorry... I don't know you...
Gerry: Oh
Melanie: I know what I said, but you're a stranger! You can't just come up to someone on the street
Gerry: Yeah, I don't usually- or ever- do this.
Melanie gives a questioning look
Gerry: I'm sorry.
Gerry realizes he's made a fool of himself and it shows on his face
Melanie: No, don't worry about it, you seem harmless enough
Gerry: No, no, I'm sorry
Melanie starts to walk away, and Gerry begins trots back towards the tracks. Melanie turns around
Melanie: Are you going in my direction
Gerry: Umm, no, I think I'll wait for the next one.
End Credits
6 comments:
It's funny how our paths are taking similar paths in the sense I'm going to try to write a romance video myself, the only difference here is it's more or less about excepting the fact that this guy gets rejected. Now I like the concept of the piece, hell even the general pacing of the piece helps move the story along quite nicely. The only thing that is catching me off guard is the character not quite defending his stature early on in the piece, because it seems as tough he really doesn't even care until that one moment he over hears her and then decides to get up. I guess I'm looking for more of motive out of this guy, and I also think his friend is a bit to obnoxious to really funny or maybe it's just the way he constructed his own reasoning for the way he likes to talk about woman, but I don't know! he just doesn't come off all that well with me! other than that I hope it helped and keep me posted!
Branden just left the comment!
I like it!
I actually like the friend (Scott?) at the beginning... because it's what the girl on the train starts talking about later, how she wants someone NOT like him.
I don't really think it's preachy. It almost becomes too cliche, but the ending changes that.
I think it's really good, overall! I like that it doesn't really have a "happy" ending, but it's still really funny.
By the way, you have amazing pictures on your posts.
Certain parts are cliche- mostly the part with Melanie talking to her friend on the train. I don't think that the cliche-ness is a problem, though. I found a lot of the dialogue really funny- especially Gerry's lines when talking to Melanie.
I think I was expecting a little bit more at the end. He has just gone out of his way to talk to her, but then realizes what he did was weird/he says he is sorry. and then when she asks if he is going in her direction, I think Gerry needs to do something/say something in addition to saying no. I'm not exactly sure what...I'll think about it.
I like the story a lot. It seems real, and I like how it plays with what people expect from the movies, like a play within a play. You have your audience trying to guess what the writer is going to allow happen. (I was wrong.) Very effective.
I also like how it shows respect and disrespect, but in the end it's all seen as youth trying to figure out how to relate with each other.
I was expecting Gerry at some point to jokingly say, "Come with me."
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