So I'm getting back in the game, as they say, and I'm shooting this script. basically it's about saying no to people who take advantage of you. It's short and sweet, and I'd love a little feedback. Whatever crosses your mind, no one's read this, so I'm curious about everything people think about it. Don't worry, please be really honest.
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Ramen Script
By Oliver Anderson
1/19/2008
Boiling Ramen, all alone, Opening Credits
Shots of adding things to ramen, sits down begins to eat
Phone Rings
R walks over and picks up the phone
before she can speak
Y: Hey, it's me! I'm like 5 minutes away, I'm coming over OK?
R: Wait--- Cut off
R slowly hangs up the phone, begins to tidy up, just sits down and looks at soup, suddenly unappetizing
Knock on the door
R opens the door
Y gives a big, warm, unreturned hug
Y: So how have you been! You look great, Oh man, it's great to see you!
R: Yeah
Y: Do you have anything to eat? Man, I'm starving!
Y walks into the kitchen and starts going through the cabinets, grabbing bits of things and opening up boxes. R walks into the kitchen and stands in the door way, looking at everything,
R: So where have you been?
Y: Referring to a cookie
Wow, these are really great, here, try one
R: No, I'm good. So where have you been?
Y: Mouth full Yeah, yeah, it's been so amazing. I think I have pictures...
Goes into overstuffed backpack and starts pulling things out.
Showing photographs
Y: Yeah that's this funeral that I went to in Maryland
R: wow. You took pictures at a funeral?
Flipping to the next photo
Who's that
Y: That's Dave, I stayed with him in Connecticut for a couple days. Totally cool guy. He has this German Shepard, I think...Flips through more photos... There it is. Isn't it adorable?
R: Yeah. So what was Connecticut like?
Y: Boring. Yeah, but I was all over the place.
Walks out of the room, and then turns around
So let's talk about you! What's up, what have you been doing? Do you still hang out with Mike?
R: Mike?
Y: Yeah
R: Uhh, I don't know who that is...
Y: Wait, Mike? Seriously? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.
R: Yeah.
Pause
R: So what were you doing?
Y: I just told you! I've been all over the place. You know, just hanging out.
R: You should have kept in touch.
Y: I know, Yeah, but whatever, I'm here now!
R: Yeah
Y looks around, starts looking through the bookcase
Y: Oh wow, no way, this is so cool
R: Which one? Oh yeah, I really like that stuff,
Y: Yeah totally, I love graffiti.
Flips through and sits down
Hey, can I borrow this?
R: Oh. Umm...
Pauses, Y takes pause to mean yes and starts to put it in her bag.
R: Actually, wait. I think I've given you enough.
Awkward
Y: Oh. Yeah sure, whatever,
R: yeah.
Short pause
Confident
Yeah.
There is silence as they look at each other a little awkwardly. Ethereal music comes on. We cut to a quick awkward hug goodbye and then Y leaves. We see R close the door, cut outside to Y walking away down the sidewalk.
Credits.
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3 comments:
It's short! fun and doable!
Hey Oliver.
I like the situation. Through the details you provide, and the dialogue it is obvious that this was a troubled relationship and that Y never saw how she was affecting R. At the end when R finally draws the line, Y's reaction suggests that she has some perspective on how she has affected R. The resolution with both characters seems too much for such a short piece. You seem to be focusing on R, by setting it in his apartment and focusing on his frustrations. Y's continued selfishness and lack of perception and selfishness, should continue straight through. R finally has come clairty and resolution, and Y will never change. I would believe it more.
Good luck with the shoot. Get that mic as close as you can. Another trick is to record all of the dialogue on its own, either after or before you have shot the sync. Just so you have a real clean version, right up to the mic with perfect levels. Might come in handy. And with such a short script it will be easy.
Good for people to know.
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