better, definitely do a read thru. lines that dont sound right will stand out almost immediately and you'll have a better understandng of the flow of the script
I like it. I like the part about the collegeboard test and the violent answers. And I think the part with the person walking in and then just leaving is amazing.
Throughout the piece, I enjoy the subtle comedy as well as its fusion with the utterly slapstick : ). The social commentary with the whole standardized test thing is great, and I really feel for the misunderstood David. One note that came to mind right away regards the ending. That final "I'm calling the police" is a good punchline, but I think it would gain a lot more power if David's speech leading up to it was longer, poignant, and composed--kind of like he is proving his complete rationality that he is a good person etc...only to find that the girl doesnt believe him anyway. A lot of the dialogue was really great, I also think a readthrough will be able to root out the few awkward phrases. Good luck! -Andrew
Is this the new one? Because the date says January 15th or something... anyways.
I really like it! It's very funny! There are some awkward lines though:
"You're wondering why you're here"... add "probably" in between "you're" and "wondering".
Change "In Baltimore it has curbed school violence 12%" to something less awkward... It's curbed school violence 12% in Baltimore. unless that was what you were going for.
"Well, let me give you some examples of your answers"... take out "well", it's an awkward transition from the previous sentence.
"You freaky little freak" - when she says it, i think it should be stuttered and hesitated like in "digusting little.. disgusting person."
"It's a random test THAT has nothing to do with me"
"I learned that we need to judge people on their actions..." take out "I learned that"... it sounds strange in the context of the rest of the speech.
Okay... There were some random parts that didn't make sense in the written screenplay, but will probably make sense in the actual video:
the part where Mr. Sherman says "calm down the secret is to remember - " then falls --- is he talking and walking or does he start walking at the very end of it all? This draft makes it seem like he gets up to walk over to David after saying it, which would be awkward, I think it would make more sense to have him walking over as he was starting the line (probably what you're doing anyway, but wanted to check).
The Amanda falling and hitting dictionary part: I didn't get the description of the shot, but it'll probably make sense when I see it.
In that same part, it says she falls and "is still", but then like 5 lines later she's up and yelling at him.
Now that I've full-out critiqued it: I LOVE the part where the perosn walks in, looks around, then turns and leaves and Mr. Sherman just looks up and says Bye.
My sister liked the part "You broke our guidance counselor".
The new part about prerogative and venereal diseases is amazing, as is the part "you scored a nine." "out of .... ?" "out of nine".
And the blood part is cool.
Also, my sister loves the line about duck sauce and odd numbers at the end.
Overall, it's really good and funny! there are just a few random parts that are awkward, but other than that it's amazing.
So its better and has more jokes in it that hit buttons (venerial disease) suggestions: maybe make the guidance dudes first little speech about what the sat's do a bit shorter by combining a sentence or two.
The line "the secret is to remember" seems out of place maybe a " dont worry so much it could be worse SLIP
During the awkward wide shot visitor scene, maybe a burp of blood shoots from the guidance counselor ( possibly could land on the girl with no emotion from her )
oh and just make the girls fall more apparent when its read
I think this is great - lots of good dialogue, funny moments, and a strong/clear message. I agree with everyone that doing a read-through would help you find the awkward bits of speech (like at the end where David says, "Look, you must have some understanding that I didn’t do this" could be changed to something like, "You have to know this was an accident"). I was left wanting something more at the end... Would love to see your storyboards once you develop them -- did you have something in mind at the end to grab the viewer visually?
7 comments:
better, definitely do a read thru. lines that dont sound right will stand out almost immediately and you'll have a better understandng of the flow of the script
I like it.
I like the part about the collegeboard test and the violent answers.
And I think the part with the person walking in and then just leaving is amazing.
Throughout the piece, I enjoy the subtle comedy as well as its fusion with the utterly slapstick : ). The social commentary with the whole standardized test thing is great, and I really feel for the misunderstood David. One note that came to mind right away regards the ending. That final "I'm calling the police" is a good punchline, but I think it would gain a lot more power if David's speech leading up to it was longer, poignant, and composed--kind of like he is proving his complete rationality that he is a good person etc...only to find that the girl doesnt believe him anyway. A lot of the dialogue was really great, I also think a readthrough will be able to root out the few awkward phrases. Good luck!
-Andrew
Is this the new one? Because the date says January 15th or something... anyways.
I really like it! It's very funny!
There are some awkward lines though:
"You're wondering why you're here"... add "probably" in between "you're" and "wondering".
Change "In Baltimore it has curbed school violence 12%" to something less awkward... It's curbed school violence 12% in Baltimore. unless that was what you were going for.
"Well, let me give you some examples of your answers"... take out "well", it's an awkward transition from the previous sentence.
"You freaky little freak" - when she says it, i think it should be stuttered and hesitated like in "digusting little.. disgusting person."
"It's a random test THAT has nothing to do with me"
"I learned that we need to judge people on their actions..."
take out "I learned that"... it sounds strange in the context of the rest of the speech.
Okay... There were some random parts that didn't make sense in the written screenplay, but will probably make sense in the actual video:
the part where Mr. Sherman says "calm down the secret is to remember - " then falls --- is he talking and walking or does he start walking at the very end of it all? This draft makes it seem like he gets up to walk over to David after saying it, which would be awkward, I think it would make more sense to have him walking over as he was starting the line (probably what you're doing anyway, but wanted to check).
The Amanda falling and hitting dictionary part: I didn't get the description of the shot, but it'll probably make sense when I see it.
In that same part, it says she falls and "is still", but then like 5 lines later she's up and yelling at him.
Now that I've full-out critiqued it:
I LOVE the part where the perosn walks in, looks around, then turns and leaves and Mr. Sherman just looks up and says Bye.
My sister liked the part "You broke our guidance counselor".
The new part about prerogative and venereal diseases is amazing, as is the part "you scored a nine." "out of .... ?" "out of nine".
And the blood part is cool.
Also, my sister loves the line about duck sauce and odd numbers at the end.
Overall, it's really good and funny! there are just a few random parts that are awkward, but other than that it's amazing.
So its better and has more jokes in it that hit buttons (venerial disease)
suggestions:
maybe make the guidance dudes first little speech about what the sat's do a bit shorter by combining a sentence or two.
The line "the secret is to remember" seems out of place maybe a " dont worry so much it could be worse SLIP
During the awkward wide shot visitor scene, maybe a burp of blood shoots from the guidance counselor ( possibly could land on the girl with no emotion from her )
oh and just make the girls fall more apparent when its read
Clever! very very clever! I can't say more.
I think this is great - lots of good dialogue, funny moments, and a strong/clear message. I agree with everyone that doing a read-through would help you find the awkward bits of speech (like at the end where David says, "Look, you must have some understanding that I didn’t do this" could be changed to something like, "You have to know this was an accident"). I was left wanting something more at the end... Would love to see your storyboards once you develop them -- did you have something in mind at the end to grab the viewer visually?
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